Even though I'm pretty sure I have some issues I don't let them hold me back.
I have anxiety issues, like big ones. When in the third grade I had a nervous break down trying to prepare for the MSPAP(devil test) almost every time Ive had a big research paper Ive ended up in tears from nervousness and worry one of the reasons I dont like going to libraries. When I travel especially alone I get big nervous knots in my stomach and pretty tightly wound Ill try and do things with my hands to keep myself calm like crochet but I know that later Ill have to take it out since it will be too tight to look any good. Deadlines freak me out I put things off and get super ancy when I have one, Im already starting to get that feeling from my upcoming visa deadline.
I have concentration issues. I can't sit still I mean can not sit still like its physically painful. Im always moving a little bit, my feet my hands my mouth my head, I reposition myself I doodle. I have a hard time sitting through long classes and towards the end if its too long I start to not take anything in like I just cant take it anymore I cant process anymore of it I have to do something else. I cant just sit and study for hours I have to have a break and do something else. The only thing I can really do for hours is read but then I dont sit still I readjust and roll over and move about. My mom homeschooled me for a year to try and teach me to concentrate more and it worked pretty well but its still hard if I didnt love to learn school would have been and would be a very uncomfortable and difficult experience for me. Im also absentminded which makes me forgetful and unable to stay on one thing for too long my attention-span isnt always great and I have a tendency to not listen to people once I get bored. My mind even blocks things out it doesnt deem important noises people anything that might overload me my brain moves pretty fast so I dont notice non essential things so if I pass you on the street and dont say hi im not really being rude i just didnt register that you were even there
I have issues with depression--this isnt really something I keep a secret or something that I share, its just how I am, ever since high school Id find that I would be not really sad but lack luster and melancholy without too big of a reason for it I've learned to kind of just deal with it and I've found the more support I have in my life the easier it is, like it was really hard when I first went off to college and didnt have any friends or when I was staying in turkey with my host family last year, but I havent had any problems for a while now which also makes me nervous like something little might set me off.
I have other qualities that are good but can sometimes be difficult too--
I have an innate need to share which sounds nice but it means I end up sharing too much sometimes and have a hard time relating to people that dont like to share like the 4 year old I watch last year when I first got here he was really selfish and I just couldnt understand it I mean maybe when I was that young i was that way but now it upsets me when someone is that way and I want to correct the behavior even if the way to try is by showing them how their behavior can be hurtful or being to blunt sometimes its hard to hold back my tongue.
Im really non-violent I dont even like to pretend to hurt someone I dont like games where people get shot or hurt or punished in institute last year we had a class where we were each given a stick and told it was our soul and then we passed it to the next person and told now we represented a demon or something of the like and to break the soul(it was a thing about unity and how were stronger when we stand together) but I couldnt bring myself to do it I couldnt imagine hurting someone in that way even if it was a stick representation. Dont misunderstand me Im not a pacifist I see where fighting and violence is sometimes brought to be a nessesity but I still hate it I would fight to protect myself and those close to me but believe me Id find every way around it first I could never just hit someone for no reason. People used to and still do tease me a lot and not in a mean way but it can be annoying I used to react more physically until I realized that someone could get hurt that way and I didnt like what I was becoming so now I cant bring myself to hurt someone even if it would bring a swifter conclusion.
I cant stay mad, I dont hold grudges sometimes I get mad or upset to easily but I get over it really fast Im the one person you should let go to bed mad if you try to work it out then I may say some mean and hurtful things that I would not regret but feel bad about and apologize for but you cant take it back if you let me sleep when I wake up I wont be mad anymore even if I want to be, I can still remember why I was mad and may even still feel hurt but the anger the temper its gone. Sometimes I try and keep myself mad so a person will know they hurt me but I usually cant do it the anger just goes away. But Id be wary of my quick temper I can be pretty nasty in those moments I am angry.
Im sarcastic but in such a way that people dont notice. I tell people Im the non sarcastic one in my family and its mostly true but compared to an average person...watch out. Most people dont know Im sarcastic because I dont use that dry tone people associate with it I use the tone I would use if I was being serious be it wonder amusement consent whatever. but this means sometimes I can offend people because they take me seriously or make people think Im a bit of an idiot.
Im really trusting, if you tell me something my immediate reaction is to believe you so now I have to take a lot of things as if they arent true that people are just lying or in turn being sarcastic I dont get hurt I just believe somethings that arent true like once my friend told me her name was something like mary lou watson-dougenhousen-turner-smith and I totally half believed it for like a year. yeah Im just trusting I mean what if they were telling the truth and you didnt believe them that could be offensive and if they were lying really all they will get is a good laugh Im pretty shameless and that doesnt bother me much.
I feel bad about things I cant control someone being sick or hurt and I say Im sorry and people always say its not your fault and I know its not but I always feel genuinely bad like I wish I could take it away. If it was my fault either I dont feel bad because I caused it and meant it to happen or I feel absolutely terrible about it the later is usually because of an accident or something said out of temper. but other things...yeah I meant to be rude there so no im not sorry. Unless something I did actually caused damage I didnt mean it to, sometimes because Im sarcastic it can come out pretty mean so I edit myself if I dont know if a person can handle it or if they dont know I dont mean it in a mean way but that doesnt mean sometimes we dont slip up and if I do I try to own up to it
Ok thats all I got right now but my point is this even though Im pretty sure most of this is true about me I dont let it hold me back and I dont let people give me any sort of special treatment because of it. I know some people have problems that are to a degree that they cant handle it alone or they just dont have the same sort of mindset that I do to handle it alone, but for some people it annoys me when they ask you to cut them alot of slack for things like a bad temper anxiety issues etc. yes I have a bad temper but Im still accountable for what I said and even though its hard for me the grade I got on the test is still the one I deserve. Even as I start to make an excuse for myself I was up late I got busy it annoys me I try and take responsibility for what I did because even if my body my mind my natural condition may be trying to make me behave one way I still know how to behave I still know when Im being rude or hurtful you have to own up to it or else its just wrong. Im not saying this is true for everyone and many people its not true they arent making excuses but genuinely dont realize that whatever they did may have been inappropriate or cant preform to the best of their ability because of some difficulty but it is true for me and a lot of people I know that would rather make excuses for their bad behavior than just own up to it.
